Laid
by Kit Spooner
Summary: Ino. And Lee. A lot of ceilingthumping sex. What else could they build a relationship around? [inolee, incomplete]
1. The First

Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

**"Laid"**

**Part the First:**

**In which Ino makes several mistakes and Lee makes a single one. Or maybe more. Fuck.**

It was all Shikamaru's fault. And Chouji's, as well, but I generally prefer to think of Shikamaru as the bad-guy in such situations since I have a great deal of difficulty working up a gob of irrational rage to hurl at Chouji.

Chouji had laughed and chortled merrily with his best friend, who had been the source of the problem, really.

"No, I don't mind you bringing your girl along," Chouji had said that sunny afternoon when the trouble started.

"I'm glad you're not pissed at the intrusion," Temari replied with a pleased smile on her face. "I tried to get Shikamaru to ask first before I tagged along, but you know how he is about stuff like that."

I glared, first at Chouji, then Temari, then finally at the true target of my ire, Shikamaru.

"How about you, Ino?" the idiot asked me lazily. "You mind if Temari joins us for lunch today?"

I gaped.

Was he honestly so dense that he couldn't detect the fury splashed openly across my face? Did he think he could just suddenly bring the Sand Slut in for our traditional weekly luncheons? This gathering had the weight of _history_ behind it. We'd been meeting like this since we were 12 and suddenly, six years later Shikamaru thinks he can just _spit_ on our friendship!

"Are you insane?" I goggled.

Shikamaru smiled vaguely. "Not sure how to interpret that one, Ino," he said.

"Ino. Shika. Chou," I spat slowly.

"And Temari," Shikamaru added, just as slowly.

With a howl of righteous outrage, I punched him in the nose and stormed out of the coffee shop.

Once I arrived back at my apartment I sat down to do some heavy thinking. This inevitably led to some heavy revenge-plotting. I'm very good at this, of course.

And one thing led to another and I ended up shacking up with Rock Lee.

You follow my train of thought, right?

Yeah, me neither.

Anyway. I decided that if Shikamaru could bring a date to our EXCLUSIVE AND EXTREMELY SPECIAL WEEKLY GATHERINGS, then I could certainly bring one. So I thought carefully and determined the person who would drive Shikamaru (and Chouji, mustn't forget his cheerfully smug face) absolutely and utterly mad with jealousy.

Well, I couldn't really bring Sasuke, who would have been the ultimate date, considering Chouji'd gleefully stab him in the eye and Shikamaru likes him even less. Unfortunately, Sasuke threw me bodily out of his apartment when I broke in to ask him, so I figured that wasn't going to work well.

So then I thought carefully and determined the person who would drive my two best friends absolutely and utterly mad with irritation. This angle proved more fruitful and, as Rock Lee was still having no luck whatsoever with Sakura, he agreed to join me for lunch the next week under the agreement that he was to pretend to be my boyfriend.

Ha!

At the beginning, all went well. I personally picked out Rock Lee's clothes and needless to say, no one-piece body-suits were involved, green or otherwise. I fixed his hair up too, and had he not had those ridiculous bug-eyes and overwhelmingly huge eyebrows, he might have passed as attractive. I couldn't wait to see the expressions on Shikamaru and Chouji's faces.

Unfortunately, my vengeance was destined to be less simple. Upon our arrival, Lee and I found that Temari was again joining us, From my vantage point in the doorway I could see that she was idly stroking Shikamaru's shin with her sandal-shod toes.

Blood pounded furiously in my ears.

How DARE she pollute the meeting of three best friends who have the weight of history behind them with her DISGUSTING DISPLAY OF SLUTTINESS!

Only Rock Lee's firm grip on my arm prevented me from launching myself at her back.

"Ah, Ino, there you are," Chouji called out, eyes immediately fixing upon Rock Lee.

Temari turned in her seat but her slightly predatory grin was interrupted by Rock Lee, who waved back at Chouji and then gave Temari the Nice Guy Pose. Temari made a snorting sound that I hoped was her choking on her own tongue but which I suspect was an attempt to keep from laughing at me.

Shikamaru's expression, however, was the one that came closest to being at all gratifying. He raised one eyebrow in a sort of puzzled query, which I could totally extrapolate into a sort of wounded confusion at my sudden betrayal. I'm good at imagining things, you see.

"I hope you guys don't mind," I began, trying to sound natural and not like the smug bitch that I was. "I brought along my _boyfriend_."

Chouji smiled at both Rock Lee and myself. "Well, I certainly don't mind if you bring your boy along," he said, sounding completely natural and at ease.

Temari was still choking back laughter, I believe.

Shikamaru's other eyebrow joined the first, somewhere near his hairline. "Well, well," he said thoughtfully. "Didn't know you were dating anyone, Ino."

"It was sort of sudden," I said, smirking at Rock Lee in what I hoped was a suitably lascivious manner.

Rock Lee's answering grin was more of a leer than I was expecting. "Yes, I only recently got to _know_ Ino-san."

I fought down a flush of something between anger and embarrassment. He was a much better actor than I'd initially thought.

Shikamaru blinked slowly at us. "Well, you might as well sit down, I suppose."

The luncheon progressed with the sort of awkward fits and starts of conversation as one might imagine. Chouji single-handedly kept the five of us from flying at each other with sheer force of his will. Temari smirked the whole time and Shikamaru had an odd strained expression on his face that was occasionally accompanied by strange noises that made it seem as though he was having digestive issues.

I wondered whether this meant that he disapproved of my "date," which would be perfect. Then we could ditch our respective escorts and discuss the matter like grown-ups, or at least as we usually did – with lazy, surly monosyllabic responses from him and roundhouse punches from me.

Just after we ordered dessert I happened to reach down for my purse under the table and I discovered why Shikamaru was making faces and odd noises.

Temari had slipped her sandals off and was resting her feet in Shikamaru's lap where her toes were . . . occupied.

I saw red.

"SO SHIKAMARU," I began without any sort of rational preamble. "Is Temari any good in the sack?"

Shikamaru, whose eyes had begun to glaze a little, choked on his cheesecake and began to cough violently. Temari shot me one of those glares of hers that can unnerve even me.

"Er . . . Ino?" Chouji stared.

Beside me, Rock Lee was motionless and I could tell he was waiting to see what I'd do. I wasn't sure whether he was contemplating following my lead or bolting for the door. He definitely hadn't signed up for this kind of absurdity.

"I ask," I continued in a voice that was only _slightly_ less likely to draw the attention of the entire restaurant, "Because Lee and I might be able to give you some pointers."

Shikamaru coughed more.

"Yes," put in Rock Lee. "Ino-san and I are experts." His expression took on a dreamily triumphant cast. "We practice all night, proving that hard work can certainly outstrip genius!" He posed briefly before adding. "Sometimes Ino-san finds it difficult to walk in the mornings." He smiled benignly.

This time I stared at him as well.

"Lee!" I gasped. "Shut the hell up!" I paused. ". . . About our private activities."

Rock Lee looked instantly contrite. "Forgive me, Ino-san," he begged passionately. "I didn't mean to embarrass you, despite how fetching your youthful blush is."

I glared and he somehow managed to smile in the face of it.

"Is there nothing I can do to apologize correctly?" he asked, reaching out and cupping my face in both hands while giving me a soulful stare.

I jumped at his touch. "What are you . . ."

But it was too late to prevent what happened next.

With a hint of his characteristic speed, he pulled me into his lap and kissed me. And no, this was not the sort of kiss I was used to. It was neither the chaste embarrassment of my first kiss, age six, back when Shikamaru had a stupid crush on me, nor was it the adolescent fumblings of Chouji from our disastrous relationship last year. Rock Lee either knew what he was doing or was very, very lucky.

His lips were very warm and soft and demanding against mine. And then his tongue came into play and my eyes drifted closed and I completely forgot what the hell was going on.

And . . . was he channeling chakra through his tongue?

There was really no way I had the spare brain capacity to analyze his technique. It was only when he nudged me carefully with his elbow that I realized that the kiss had ended and the rest of the occupants of the table were staring at us in shock.

I laughed loudly. "Ha ha ha. Oh, Lee," I said, hoping I didn't look as dazed as I felt. "Of course you're forgiven."

He leaned in and made as though to kiss me again but I kept talking. "Shikamaru, Chouji, would you mind if the two of us left early?"

This time Shikamaru and Chouji raised eyebrows in unison.

"I need to . . ." I fumbled. "Talk a few things over with Lee."

"I'll bet," Temari put in.

I gave her a half-hearted glare and pulled Rock Lee to his feet. "Let's go . . ."

He followed obediently with a fatuously adoring expression on his face, his hand engulfing mine and gripping firmly.

"Enjoy your afternoon!" Temari celled after us in a cheerful voice.

The sound of choked snickering accompanied my departure.


	2. The Second

Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

**"Laid"**

**Part the Second:**

**In which Lee explains his old practice regimen and Ino stares at him a lot.**

"Holy shit, Lee," I ranted once we rounded the corner and I could pull him bodily into an alleyway. "What the fuck did you think you were doing? I asked for a _boyfriend_ not a _sex toy_, you freaking idiot! I didn't ask you here so you could tell Shikamaru and Chouji – not to mention that skank _Temari_ – about our imaginary sex life! And where the hell did you learn to kiss like that? Are you some sort of idiot savant?"

Rock Lee hesitated only a moment before springing the Nice Guy pose on me again. "Tenten-san and I practiced for a few years," he explained briefly.

"Oh," I said, trying to wrap my brain around _that_ little tidbit of information. "Well, then."

Lee looked at me with an expression of intense sincerity on his face. "I thought I should play the part of an attentive lover, Ino-san."

I eyed him again, trying not to linger long on his facial features, instead focusing on his height and broad shoulders. "Hmm," I said absently. He really wasn't _lover_ material, in my mind, despite his pectoral muscles.

"I guess you didn't like the kiss, then," Lee added, looking gravely disappointed. Disappointed in himself, most likely.

"Er," I articulated. "The kiss was . . ." _Searingly, painfully, bone-meltingly, eye-poppingly incredible . . ._ ". . . fine."

Lee relaxed. "Oh," he said, still sounding disappointed. "I must be losing my touch."

"What!"

"Tenten-san used to tell me is was like fucking with our tongues," Lee explained simply.

Never having heard Rock Lee ever say anything that wasn't excruciatingly polite, the sudden crude verb-choice was startling.

And kind of hot, I had to admit.

"Well," I temporized, my gaze suddenly glued to his mouth. "It was . . . sorta . . . kinda amazing," I grudgingly admitted, wondering if there was any socially acceptable way to get him to do it to me again.

Lee's expression was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. "Really?" He sounded like an exuberant 12-year-old again.

I stepped a little closer.

"Hey, uh, I think we should, um . . . talk this over," I suggested. "At my apartment."

Lee's sunshine was suddenly replaced by something that was not-quite-a-leer. "Now?"

Inwardly I cringed. I'd never hear the end of it if Sakura ever found out about this.

"Now," I finally said, giving into the irrational urges of my hormones.

I led the way but we didn't quite make it all the way to the flat I shared with Sakura.

When the conveniently abandoned alcove behind the ramen shop appeared, I shoved Lee into the shadows there and leapt at him. He . . . didn't seem surprised.

"Ino-san?" he queried after perhaps ten seconds of my furiously aggressive kisses.

"Shut up," I told him.

Twenty seconds passed and he hadn't yet slipped me any tongue. I pulled back and glared at him with all the force of my anger and frustration.

"Ino-san," he began.

"What the fuck is wrong?" I fisted my hand in the button-down shirt I'd dressed him in and pulled his face down to my level. Good thing I'm tall because he was so tense that he didn't bend far.

"I need to ask you for permission," Lee continued carefully.

"What!" I nearly howled.

"Permission to really _kiss _you, Ino-san," he explained. "I don't want to scare you."

I glared.

"Or hurt you," he added.

I glared some more.

"I once chipped Tenten-san's tooth," he noted, almost apologetically.

I saw red again, but for a slightly different reason this time.

I bit his earlobe and mumbled, "Permission granted, loser," in his ear.

And at that moment, he seized me, shoved me up against the back door of the ramen shop and . . . well, I guess "kissing" theoretically describes what we did, but kissing usually doesn't involve so many splinters or the first-degree chakra burns on my mouth and neck.

The kiss Lee had staged for Shikamaru, Chouji and Temari's benefits was absolutely _nothing_ compared to this.

It was only when I realized that the reason I could no longer really _see_ Lee was not because my vision was fading but because the _sun had set_, that I punched him hard in the stomach to get him off of me. He staggered back and without his support, I fell to the ground in a shaky clatter of shoes and kunai.

"Oh, my god," I said fuzzily, unable to enunciate clearly with a mouth gone completely numb.

"I can do better, Ino-san," Lee began, apparently unable to tell the difference between someone completely exhausted and someone in dire need of additional make-out time.

When he made a move to approach me again I threw a kunai at his head. He barely dodged.

"No more," I gasped. "Can't feel my lips. Or my feet."

"Ah." Lee nodded knowingly. "This happened sometimes with Tenten-san too."

I hauled myself to my feet using a trash can for support.

"You should work on your stamina, Ino-san," Lee added.

I threw another kunai.

"I'm going home," I announced.

Lee perked up. "Does that mean I should . . ."

"No!" Despite the chanting of my hormones (_jumphimjumphimjumphim_) I refused to allow this absurdity to proceed any farther. "I'm going home alone!"

Lee watched me for a moment.

"Are you actually going _anywhere_, Ino-san?" he asked after I completely failed to take a step.

"In a moment," I said stiffly. My knees shook badly and my feet were still a little numb.

"Here, I'll carry you," he said, coming over and hoisting me up onto his back.

"Put me down," I snapped, but I didn't struggle. It took all of my willpower to keep from latching my mouth onto his neck like some sort of vampire. It was right there in front of me and I could see the muscles flexing as he shifted my weight on his back . . .

Instead of attacking Lee from my perch on his back, I hunched over, hoping no one would recognize me as he carried me out of the alley and onto the bustling Konoha streets.

"So . . ." Lee said after a lot of silence. "Where do you live?"

I mumbled an address and resumed my covert surveillance of his muscles. It was only when he was climbing the stairs to my apartment that I realized what sort of scene could be precipitated should my roommate happen to be home.

"Shit," I muttered.

"Pardon?" he said, still ascending.

"You, uh, know my roommate, right?" I asked.

"No, I don't think so," replied Lee. "Or rather, I have no idea who you live with. Will I get to meet her?"

I gritted my teeth, trying to determine which option was least embarrassing, either an awkward scene between Sakura and Lee when they saw each other at the apartment or Sakura's absence allowing me to cheerfully resume my previous activities with Lee from the back of the ramen shop.

I was so thoroughly fucked.

Of course, I didn't know the half of it yet.


	3. The Third

Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

"**Laid"**

**Part the Third:**

**In which people comment on Sakura's taste in decor.**

We reached the apartment I shared with Sakura without incident. I was quite lucky in that respect. Even luckier was the fact that Sakura was not home.

Since this is, in the end, a story about getting lucky, I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise.

After a quick fumble with the keys, I unlocked the door to my apartment and Lee hauled me inside. He politely kicked his shoes off at the door then unceremoniously dropped me on the sofa. "Ow," I muttered. "Fuck."

Lee stretched his muscles by rotating his arms like a loon. I felt vaguely guilty at the knowledge that my weight had been a significant strain to even the young Green Beast of Konoha on our cross-town hike. I may be pretty skinny but I'm tall and not light by any stretch of the imagination.

I pulled myself nervously up to an approximately seated position and gave him a red-faced, hot-eyed smile that I hoped conveyed a little gratitude and not just my mindless inspection of his fine physique. "Thanks, Lee," I said cheerfully, my voice not strained AT ALL. "I'm starting to feel better, thanks to your help getting home."

Lee seated himself carefully in the overstuffed armchair opposite the sofa. He seemed a little confused by all the frilly pink and turquoise pillows that crowded his chosen seat (courtesy of Sakura's mad decorating spree of six months ago), but he refrained from commenting on the clashing colors and ridiculous fluff. "You're very welcome, Ino-san." He turned his lighthouse beam of a smile at me. "You have a very nice apartment, Ino-san. I really like your curtains."

I goggled briefly, then gave up and just agreed with him. "Yeah, Sakura picked out the valence design but I nixed her fabric choice and ended up just doing them myself . . ."

"Sakura-san is such a good friend to have aided you in decorating your apartment," he replied, light _ping_ing off his white, white teeth. There was a faint blush on his cheeks.

"Uh, yeah," I said. _Lord, I hope I get out of this situation before he re-encounters Sakura. He's a already a lunatic, nevermind the insanity that will descend should his One True Love show up. _I began to feel a little grumpy.

"So," I began, carefully standing up. _Good, balance is back, as is feeling in my feet._ "I also want to thank you for coming to lunch with me today. I know it kind of ended . . . well, _awkwardly_, but I really appreciate the effort you put into pretending to . . . er, be my boyfriend." I stifled a grimace and avoided his intense gaze. "It was . . . fun."

"It was my pleasure, Ino-san!" he replied cheerfully. "Gai-sensei taught me to be both respectful of women and to assist my friends and companions whenever necessary. Today's luncheon allowed me to fulfil both duties!" I avoided looking at his huge, idiot grin.

"Uh, yeah," I said again.

"I am in the springtime of my youth!" he declared solemnly, "And what good is that if I don't share it with the people I care about!"

That brought me up short and I stared at him. "People . . . you, uh, care about?" I sat back down with a _whump_.

Lee paused. "Well, yes, Ino-san. You are a close friend of mine!"

"Um," I said. "Lee, I think I've exchanged more words with you today than I have in all the other years I've known you put together. I like you very much, but I'm not sure I count as a _friend_."

In one of his weirdly bi-polar shifts, his smile vanished to be replaced by a stern, oddly earnest expression. "You give yourself too little credit, Ino-san!" He suddenly stood from the chair, brushing off the floofy pillows and settling next to me, taking my hand in his. "Who was it who gave me my first real hair-cut?"

"Well, I don't think that counts," I mumbled, blushing furiously. "First of all, I was six, and second of all, I don't think a poorly-aimed kunai really counts as a haircut . . ."

"Who gave me so many tips about wooing females? Who helped me gain the courage to ask Sakura-san out?"

I didn't answer, feeling guilty again. I mean, yeah, sure, I helped him out, but only in the faint hope of his somehow wooing Sakura away from Sasuke, who would then instantly fall into my arms. Hey, it could have worked.

"Who gave me my New Year's kiss this past year and then walked me home out of concern for a _dear friend_?" Now his earnest look was tempered with a bit of the hot-eyed gaze I'd been giving him earlier. Oh, dear.

I suddenly realized what he'd just said, and simultaneously wondered how drunk I'd been that I didn't even remember the incident. "Well, er, perhaps you're right, Lee . . ."

He slowly drew my hand up to his mouth and kissed it with hot, damp lips. I shivered.

"If you're feeling better, Ino-san," he began, his gaze catching and holding mine, "Then I should let you continue your evening's activities." His lips curled into a somehow-less-absurd version of his Gai-sensei Grin. "Of course, if you're still feeling unwell, and I can be of assistance, if would be only proper for me to stay with you and attend to your needs."

He carefully lay my hand down on my lap and began to very slowly trace a finger up the outside of my thigh.

I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing at this point.

See, if this was one of those dumb kids' cartoons that Naruto _still_ watches, I'd have a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, and they'd advise me on what to do.

_Stay good, Ino! _The little angel might look a bit like Sakura, I guess. _It would be unfair to take advantage of this nice, strapping young man's overzealous chivalry!_

Too bad I don't have the little angel, just the little devil.

Fuck, I _am_ the little devil.

_Come on, Ino. This is your chance for no-strings-attached physicality with someone who you've already accidentally made out with for three hours in an alleyway. He'll be polite and discreet and for fuck's sake look at the size of the boy's _HANDS!

Decision made, I abruptly stood up and grabbed his hand in mine. "Lee-kun," I said sweetly, giving him the Look from behind my mascara-coated lashes. "How about I show you some of the rest of the apartment?"

He allowed himself to be led, looking a bit bemused by my sudden shift. Then again, he might have been expecting it. It's hard to tell with Rock Lee, at times. I led him past the kitchen and past Sakura's room.

"This is my bedroom," I said, by way of introduction as I not-so-gently pushed him through the doorway and toward my unmade bed. _Bed, meet Rock Lee. Lee, Bed. There, that's enough introduction for one evening, I think._

"I like your color scheme, Ino-saaaaaaAGH."

I neatly tripped him up at the end of the bed and sent him sprawling amidst the tangled sheets.

He smiled vaguely up at me and propped himself up on his elbows. "I see you're still not quite feeling well, Ino-san," he said.

"I require _tending to_," I announced as I pulled my shirt off and jumped onto the bed with him.

"Ah, I see," he replied before he seized me and kissed me with all the mind-numbing skill from before.

Making out behind a ramen shop can be very exciting, but it doesn't generally lend itself to the full-body explorations that a real bed allows. I appreciated this fact almost immediately. Lee had me stripped down to my underwear before I'd even finished the first button on his shirt.

"Eep! I'm ticklish there!"

"My aplogies, Ino-san, I'll try something else then . . ."

"Oh, better . . ."

"That's reassuring to hear, Ino-san."

"Try a bit lower and . . . whoa."

"Am I moving too fast, Ino-san?"

"Oh, boy . . ."

Dialogue like this isn't exactly scintillating, but I didn't bring him home for intellectual stimulation.

Ten minutes after I'd shoved him down on the bed, I realized something. His kissing was top-notch but his . . . exploratory activities were somewhat . . . exploratory. He needed more coaching than I'd expected, though once he received an instruction or discovered one of my hot-spots on his own, he never forgot.

And then it suddenly clicked in my befuddled brain.

"You didn't practice this with Tenten, did you?" I asked, flipping him over and straddling his waist to pin him.

He blushed in a way I couldn't _help_ but find adorable. "Well, no, Ino-san . . ." He sighed mournfully. "I was rather hoping I could figure it out as we went."

I sighed in utter frustration and fished around for my bra. There was no way I was going to deflower Rock Lee. It was a sort of vaguely immoral activity in the same category of reading Jiraiya's porno-comic to a classroom of first-year academy students. I was horny, yes, but not quite ready to face the nagging guilt I knew I'd feel if I popped ol' Fuzzy Brows' cherry.

I rolled off Lee and began to put my bra back on.

"Is something wrong, Ino-san?" he asked with an appealing, sad-eyed expression on his face. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh, boy," I mumbled. "Uh, it's kind of like this, Lee: The way you kissed sort of implied that you were more experienced than you, uh, are. And I'm . . ."

He gave me a look like a basset hound puppy that's been smacked with a rolled-up newspaper to many times.

"You're . . . a very special person," I continued awkwardly, attempting to keep from staring at either his pathetic expression or the view his open shirt was affording me of his sleek pectorals and, oh, god, his washboard abs . . .

A moment passed.

"Ino-san?"

"A VERY SPECIAL PERSON!" I reminded myself. "And your first time deserves to be with someone you truly care about . . ."

"I care about _you_, Ino-san . . ."

". . . And who you love and who loves you back!" I finished with a clenched jaw.

There was a long moment of silence.

"You bring up interesting points, Ino-san," Lee said with a small frown, his brow furrowed as though he were contemplating a problem of universal import.

"Of course I do," I agreed as I searched under the bed for my skirt.

"But that's not really how Gai-sensei explained the springtime of youth," he finished and then grabbed me and pulled me onto the bed again.

"Er," I said brilliantly.

He thumbed the catch on my bra and removed it in one fluid motion. No fumbling. _Ye gods, he learns fast . . ._

"Give me a chance, Ino-san," he said, voice rife with both promise and pleading. "I'll figure it out. I've studied manuals!"

I was flabbergasted once more and he took this as a sign of acquiescence.

We were in the middle of yet another intense round of making-out when I heard the front door of my apartment slam.

I froze.

"Ino-san?" Lee asked, raising his face from my breasts.

"Shhhhhh!" I hissed before squirming out from under him. I yanked him to his feet and pushed him into my closet. "My roommate's home."

He stumbled over a pair of boots and gave me a baffled look. "What . . ?"

"Hide here until I can get her to go away," I ordered. Then I slammed the door closed and spun just in time for my flat-mate to stride in through my open bedroom door and catch me leaning casually against my closet wearing only a thong.

"Hi, Sakura!" I chirped, pushing hair out of my eyes.


	4. The Fourth

Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

"**Laid"**

**Part the Fourth:**

**In which there is less nudity than one might expect.**

My grin was horribly cheesy and I knew it, but there really wasn't anything less embarrassing to do.

Sakura stared at me, blinked, and then carefully asked, "Am I interrupting something?"

"Interrupting?" My laugh was more of a high-pitched braying and I'm pretty sure Sakura recognized the Nervous Giggle of my childhood days. "What could you possibly be interrupting?"

"Well," Sakura began patiently. "First of all you're leaning extra-casually against your closet, the door of which is vibrating in time with the breaths of whoever you just shoved in there because he doesn't really fit inside completely with all your shoes. Second, you're bare-ass naked, except for your thong, which is, if my eyes aren't deceiving me, your Nookie Thong, which means you were attempting to get laid."

The closet door vibrated more and I could hear Lee panting a little. Oh, dear.

"Um," I said. "It's complicated . . ."

"He's got good taste in clothes," Sakura noted, staring at Lee's rumbled shirt and trousers that I'd forgotten to kick under the bed.

"Uh, yeah," I agreed, hoping the questioning wouldn't continue in this vein.

Sakura waved her hand. "Well, I don't really care," she said airily. "Though I assume that since you're attempting to hide your guy in there with last-season's pumps, you're either embarrassed by him or he's an ex of mine or something." The paused with a thoughtful expression on her face. "It _is _a guy, right? I mean, you were awfully friendly with Tenten at the last New Years party but I never really thought about it much . . ."

"It's a guy," I ground out.

"Ah, cool, whatever," Sakura murmured dismissively, stepping back to lean against the doorframe. "I don't really care who you have over, actually."

I stared at her. This was a first. Sakura and I tended to live vicariously through each others conquests. Her disinterest was . . . odd, to say the least.

"I just wanted to mention that I'll be working on a project for the Hokage tonight," Sakura said cheerfully, her face suddenly brilliantly red. "So, uh, if you could keep the noise level down tonight while we work . . ."

"We?" I suddenly realized that she was not dressed for work; she'd dusted off her favorite pair of fuck-me boots and was wearing a water-bra.

She jiggled a little as she backed out of my room. "Joint project with a rep from ANBU," Sakura mumbled.

Sakura's sudden glance back down the hallway was all the warning I had. I heard the muffled thud of a body careening off a wall and then a tall-ish person in ANBU pants slammed into Sakura and nearly knocked her over. I caught a glimpse of moon-pale eyes amidst the person's long, dark hair and, for a moment, thought Sakura had gotten Hinata drunk out of her mind for some reason.

Then I recognized him.

"I need your help with the zipper, Sak'ra," Hyuuga Neji – sans shirt – slurred loudly. He smiled sloppily and nuzzled her neck. "I can't get my pants off 'cause of the stupid zipper."

"NEJI!" I howled in complete astonishment.

"Ino?" he blinked owlishly at me.

"Neji . . ." Sakura sighed.

"Sakura!" I was fully ready to give her the 'Why It's a Bad Idea to Get a member of ANBU Drunk for the Purpose of Seduction' speech. I'd delivered it a couple times before and was getting fairly proficient with it.

The closet burst open and nearly-naked Lee fell out, clutching a purple scarf in one hand and a gray corset top in the other.

"Neji?" he exclaimed.

"LEE!" Sakura howled in complete astonishment.

"Sakura-san?" he responded in a nearly identical tone.

"Oh, god," I moaned, hiding my face in my hands.

There was a telling pause as everyone stared at everyone else.

"Gai-sensei?" Neji finally mumbled, blinking strangely at his teammate (as though it would kick his Byakugan into gear despite his hopeless inebriation) and _still_ misidentifying the guy.

"You're drunk!" Lee exclaimed in shocked dismay.

"Just a little," Neji admitted with another messy smirk.

I cleared my throat. "Sakura, haven't we already had the talk about why it's a bad idea to get a member of ANBU drunk for the purpose of . . ."

"I've heard the damn speech before," Sakura snapped. "What the hell were you doing to Lee-san? Trying to rob him of his innocence?"

Neji snorted with laughter and collapsed against the doorframe.

I sniffed and gave Sakura as dignified a look as I could manage, standing as I was in only my infamous Nookie Thong. "Don't be vulgar, Sakura. And don't change the subject."

Sakura ignored me, Neji and his giggling and instead focused a tenderly caring smile on Lee. "You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, Lee-san," she said kindly.

Lee paid her almost no attention at all and instead bore down on Neji, his expression solemn and a little reproachful. "Neji, you know you shouldn't drink this much," he said, shaking a finger at his friend. "Tenten-san will be very angry with you."

"Tenten?" Sakura and I mumbled in unison.

Neji, for his part, was ignoring both Sakura _and_ Lee. He stared at me; at my chest, to be precise. "Wow, Ino, since when did you have such a nice rack?" he asked suddenly.

I folded my arms over my breasts and glared. Sakura and Neji had quite handily killed the mood and I was fairly certain that I wasn't going to get laid tonight without a greater sacrifice of dignity than I was prepared to make. "Lee?" I said crisply.

"Yes, Ino-san?" He practically saluted.

"Put your clothes on and take Neji home," I ordered.

"Good idea, Ino-san," he agreed as he pulled pants on.

"Ino!" Sakura wailed.

I decided to take the opportunity to interrupt Neji's ogling of my breasts by putting a t-shirt on. "I'm having a very bad day, Sakura," I told her through clenched teeth. "And as a result, no one is getting laid tonight. Especially not you. And . . ." I snorted. ". . . Certainly not Neji."

Neji sighed sadly and passed out.

Lee didn't bother to button up his shirt, deciding, perhaps, that my expression looked dangerous to warrant some serious haste. He hauled his teammate up and onto his shoulder and darted for the door, pausing only to flash me a quick Nice-Guy Pose. "Thank you for inviting me to lunch today, Ino-san!" he said cheerfully. "I had a very good time!"

Sakura and I watched, open-mouthed, as he carried Neji out of the apartment, with little apparent effort.

"Wow," Sakura said quietly. "He's got strong arms."

"Mmm," I said wearily, ready for the night to be over.

"So." Sakura turned back to give me one of her Looks, mouth quirked and eyebrow cocked. "Rock Lee?"

I bared my teeth at her.

"He's certainly . . . strapping," she added. A tiny quaver in her voice informed me that she was about to burst into laughter.

I pressed a hand to my throbbing temple. "Shut the hell up, Sakura. You have no room to be talking. You just tried to bring Hyuuga Neji home for a _romp_. And you _know_ better than that."

"Hey, it's okay!" Sakura looked both righteous and embarrassed and I had no idea how she managed it. "He and Tenten are in an open relationship; he told me so himself?"

"How much sake had you fed him at that point?" I demanded. "And had he removed any clothing yet?"

"I was merely rescuing him from the clutches of that harlot Moegi!" Sakura ranted.

"Uh-huh," I said with a smirk.

"She was trying to give him a lap-dance!" howled Sakura.

I patted her shoulder consolingly. "If you're lucky, he won't remember in the morning and word of this won't make it back to Tenten."

Sakura sighed mournfully and slunk off to her bedroom, leaving me to bask in the knowledge that I had safely diverted my roommate's attention from my embarrassing assignation to hers.

That night I had a series of disturbing dreams in which I had fantastic sex with Rock Lee, who then morphed to a totally blitzed Neji, who then morphed to a spectacularly furious Tenten. Just as Tenten was about to disembowel me with her teeth, I woke up.

Then I screamed.

Tenten was sitting at my bedside trimming her fingernails with a kunai that looked sharp enough to cut wind.

"So," she said with a pleasant smile once my screaming trailed off into terrified silence. "I hear you had company last night."


	5. The Fifth

Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

"**Laid"**

**Part the Fifth:**

**In which Tenten fails to kill Ino all the way.**

As I seemed utterly doomed to spend time with Team Gai in the nearly-buff, I didn't bother to dress, even after I stopped screaming.

"What are you doing here?" I panted, staring at Tenten with scarcely disguised alarm. I was fully aware of the precariousness of my situation, here. Sure, Tenten's a nice girl but she's got the territoriality issues of a rabid tomcat. She jealously guards her menfolk, even the ones she's not romantically interested in. And since Lee's an idiot with a big mouth, it was fairly certain that Tenten wasn't here on a social call.

"I was just stopping by to thank you for the hospitality you showed my teammate last night," Tenten told me, still smiling pleasantly. It was horrifying.

I suddenly recollected an anecdote Sakura had relayed from a shift she pulled at the hospital, where she'd set two broken femurs and popped an arm back into joint for a girl who'd had the temerity to try and use Lee as a way to get close to Neji. Tenten didn't play nice when other people – even friends occasionally – violated her territory.

"Oh, god," I mumbled, realizing fully that there wasn't much of a way out of this for me. And I'd have a hard time explaining to Daddy why I was laid up at the hospital in a full-body cast.

"Oh, don't worry, Ino," Tenten responded. "He made it back home alright, despite his . . . condition."

_Holy fuck_, I thought. _Is she pissed because I got Lee hot and bothered, or because I sent him home before he got laid?_

"But I know you must have had everyone's best interests in mind when you sent the boys home last night," Tenten continued. "From what I could get out of Lee, it was a confusing night for everyone involved."

"Well, _Neji_ got an eyeful!" I blurted before indulging in a panic-stricken giggle. _Divert the attention of the predator!_ the primitive portion of my brain shrieked at me.

Tenten paused and blinked at me. Her gaze dipped southward, then returned to my face. "Yes, I can see that."

It was difficult to gauge her mood at this point, so I simply barreled ahead. "If it helps at all, I didn't mean to horn in on your turf, Tenten."

Tenten frowned. "Wait. What?"

"Well, he was the one who kissed me first," I noted, talking fast. "And things just got out of control from there . . ."

"You _kissed _Neji too!" the other girl bellowed. "How the fuck did _that _happen!"

"Not Neji!" I shouted. "Lee!"

Tenten stared and fell silent.

She didn't disembowel me with her teeth, or even throw her pointy kunai at me.

"Er, I guess he didn't tell you?" I gave a sheepish smile.

Tenten began to laugh. "Oh, _Lee_. Nah, I knew about that already."

"Wha . . . how! We only started making out yesterday?"

"Ah, but you invited him to yesterday's lunch three days ago," Tenten countered. "And he told me about it and he had this goofy smile and I figured he must like you or something."

"He doesn't even know me!"

"Since when has that mattered?" Tenten replied airily. "He was in love with _Sakura_ for years based on a single meeting when he was fourteen. What kind of fucked up logic was that?"

I had to admit that Lee doesn't have the greatest mate-selection process.

"So," Tenten continued. "I'm basically here to find out what your intentions toward Lee are."

I winced involuntarily.

"That's not the correct answer," Tenten warned, gesturing with her kunai.

"I don't really have any intentions," I said quickly. "This whole thing just sort of . . . _happened_. I mean, he's a complete lunatic, but holy crap, the boy knows how to use his tongue."

Tenten smiled dreamily. "Yeah, that's true."

"So, yeah. No 'intentions.'"

"Well, that's alright, I guess." Tenten said. "I don't care as long as you aren't trying to use him to get into Neji's pants."

"Eeew. No." I wrinkled my nose. "No offense to you or your teammate, but Neji's a bit of a skank."

Tenten rolled he eyes. "Yeah, but some girls fall for his whole 'abused genius scion of a repressed Clan' schtick."

"Sakura did," I noted.

"Sakura's never been known for her stellar taste in men," Tenten replied.

"True," I agreed complacently, relieved that Tenten wasn't about to kill me for seducing her favorite French kisser. "Oh, wait. Aren't you dating Neji? I mean, is it okay for you to call him a skank?"

"'Dating' is such a restrictive term," Tenten proclaimed, gesturing grandly with the kunai that now seemed much less terrifying. "In reality, yes, I'm about the closest he has to a girlfriend, but I certainly don't get a lot of action out of it."

"Eh?"

"Neji's a bit of a slut because he's terrified someone will find out that he's, you know, _that way_." She fluttered her eyelashes and gave a limp-wristed sort of wave. "I try to keep an eye on him because whenever he gets drunk he either goes out and picks up girls at a bar or sits home and writes weepy love poetry to Shino which he fortunately never sends."

"Shino's gay?"

"Not so much," Tenten replied wryly.

I decided that this was about as much information as I needed about the inter-workings of Team Gai. "Yikes," I mumbled.

"Yeah," said Tenten. "Anyway, I should probably let you put clothes on, since you look either cold or rather more into me than I'd previously suspected." She eyed my nipples curiously.

I pulled the sheet up to cover my chest. "Just a chill," I reassured her.

Tenten stood up and finally resheathed her kunai. "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later, then." She moved toward my doorway. "You should join our team lunches sometime. Gai-sensei makes a mean paella."

I tried not to think of Gai's culinary skills and instead blurted out the question that had been running through the brain of every gossip in Konoha. "So that means you're fair game for all the single shinobi who ask about you?"

"Well . . ." Tenten paused. "I suppose, though I've been taking a lot of missions to Sand lately and holy fuck, I've found my soul-mate."

"Temari?" I asked hopefully, still feeling righteous fury over her invasion of the sanctity of my team.

"Eew, gross," Tenten denied. "Nah, Kankurou. I'm a sucker for a guy with makeup who's even better with chakra strings than I am. Too bad he's such a cockmonger." She paused with a thoughtful expression on her face. "Maybe I ought to set him up with Neji and maybe get some hot threesome nookie out of it . . ."

"Eew, gross," I said.

Tenten gave me a grin. "To each her own, I guess. Anyway. Catch you later, Ino." She gave me a lazy wave. "Oh, and if you hurt Lee's feelings I'll rip all your pretty blonde hair out and knit a sweater out of it. Then I'll break both your legs. Ciao, darling!"

As she breezed out, I decided that perhaps it would just be best to sleep all day.

This plan was foiled when Sakura staggered into my bedroom twenty minutes later with a black eye and what looked like bite marks on her arm. She looked more dazed than usual.

"What the hell did I do last night, Ino?" she asked plaintively. "Tenten woke me up this morning, and not in a good way."

"You picked up Neji in a bar."

"Oh," said Sakura. "Okay. That makes sense then."

She staggered back out. "Please don't ever let me drink again," she mumbled.

The slam of her bedroom door was almost immediately followed by energetic knocking on the apartment door, and I wondered when this exciting comedy of insanity would end. I belted on a short robe and slunk out to answer the door.

"Ino-san!" Lee looked far to bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for 6:30 am.

"Oh, god," I moaned.

"You're looking lovely this morning, Ino-san!" he said as he thrust an enormous bouquet of wildflowers at me.

I graciously accepted the bouquet and tossed it on the sofa. "You're up early," I murmured.

"I heard that Tenten was coming to visit you this morning and I wanted to make sure you didn't need help getting to the hospital!" Lee seemed far too calm about this statement. We'd need to work on his ability to take the possibility of my maiming in stride.

"She just wanted to talk," I told him, ushering him into the apartment. "And beat up Sakura, but Sakura's doing alright now."

Lee plopped down onto the chair with the pillows. "That's good. Sakura-san probably didn't know any better. About Neji, I mean."

I sat down on the sofa and stared at him.

He beamed at me.

"So . . ." I began.

"Sakura-san's here, then?" Lee asked.

"Er, yeah," I replied, nodding my head in the direction of her room. "I think she's sleeping off last night. And probably icing her eye."

Lee continued to smile. "I wouldn't want to disturb her," he noted politely.

"Eh, she'll be passed out soon enough," I told him. "We're just talking, and not that loudly either."

"Yeah, but I hear that when two people indulge in their youthful passions, the noise can get excessive at times." His eyes sparkled.

"Wha?"

"Want to come over to my place to shag, Ino-san?" he asked.

"Bwah?" I blinked. "What, NOW!"

He nodded.

I thought it over. Very quickly. "Sure!"

* * *

Author's Note: NejiTenKank OT3!111111eleven chokes and dies Anyway. Sorry this chapter didn't go anywhere. I got caught up in humorous speculations about characters. More Lee next time! I swear! 


End file.
